Louder, Louder than Thunder

 

What’s been on my mind lately?

I find myself a particularly skillful write, yet I sit here nearly pulling at my hair and biting off the bits of my nails until not only my crimson red nail polish is chipped, but instead blood reaches the surface and replaces my numb writers block with tickling pieces of pain. What must be so vital yet so complex that I cannot describe the way I am feeling right now?

All stars can be brighter.

Many may say this is not a quote of those optimists but a statement from a pessimist like me. They are wrong. I often use music to help translate my mood and bring it out like a dull light of an ideal transforming into a brighter firework full of fascination.

If I could tell you, all of you that may know me as various things, that I am honestly and genuinely surprised at my findings, would you believe me? I have felt the lips of another, the affection of those who I believed surpassed me, and the wandering eyes of those who do not deserve me, yet I am out of words to truly describe the predicament I blindly leaped into.

I don’t think I deserve this, selflessness find your way into my heart

He found a girl confused and broken with a shadow to her smile. He saw a girl singing and was the lucky one to see her shine in her moment of all darkness. He saw a girl for what she could be, curiosity led him, fueled him as his courage to step up to the plate and draw her out of that insecurity. He told her to take the leap and promised he’d always be there. She wouldn’t budge. He told her to meet him half way and finally after a moment’s smile, she met him in his arms. Yet when he asked her if she’d be his, she replied no.

Time owned the girl, for time only held her back. The past ate at her. Her regrets for other’s sorrow. How could she be blessed at another’s hand when hers has been branded red, scarlet like Hester Prynne. Will she be ridiculed forever? No, she cannot flatter herself with such attention, but little knew her own punishment would be of her own hand. For no one is an enemy like how she is the enemy of herself. Time held her in place, but it did not melt her heart and when she looked upon him, her response only gave him a smile.

I can now say I remember that kiss that held time forever, but deep down I knew I was scared. Fear crept into my heart when I gazed into those serious eyes that gleamed like blue topaz. How soft a kiss those perfect lips can create. A mischievous grin that suggested no profanity but the innocent laughs of a child’s play. Such simplicity, to take in the relief that I would not be alone, I was matched mentally, emotionally, physically, and overall dominantly. Finally, there was one that made me fear of the qualities of love, of loving too much instead of loving all too little.

I know, this isn’t much
But I know I could, I could be better

I sit here and after four months, I have had doubts and other have had doubts for me, but I realized in from this relationship that doubts will always be present as well as risks. Although I have also learned this risk has been worth the fear of my past troubles. I find myself a strong individual, yet under his gaze, I know I could be better. Everyday I fight and struggle with myself, my wrong doing of the past, but I have finally let go of those past lovers that had persisted through their time. My heart, though doubtful for many reasons, beats with one purpose and that is not one of my own. I pray to God everyday wondering how, how could I deserve this? How can I be better? How can I be the person everyone knows of me because for once, God has given me something indescribable.

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow

Now, I lay here. Quiet. Unsatisfied, because quiet and blank as snow, I am perplexed at the emotions stirring in my heart, thoughts flowing through my head, and actions with intentions that I myself can sometimes cannot explain. I am now quite, yet content. Although I feel my writing is sufficient I also have not sated my unattainable emotions for” I know I could, I could do better”. And as I sit here with my head pained with all to explain and wordless I ask myself: “What would it take for things to be quiet, quiet like the snow?” I am a person that knows “All stars could be brighter” and I am not appreciative of how bright my stars are. I am aware that some cry out to God everyday, “Are we meant to be empty handed?” and I cry “All hearts could be warmer” in hope someday those hearts I have wronged will be. Simply to be straightforward, I thank you, a very special individual and God himself, because: “I don’t think I deserve it, Selflessness, Find your way into my heart”.




Please listen to “Louder than Thunder” by The Devil Wears Prada.

New Life, New Tumblr.

I doubt I’ll have enough time to write in here and if I do, I highly doubt it will be in a time of good fortune. I decided to make one because I used to write constantly and it became a great outlet for me. I love to write, and writing is a way of enlightenment. Currently, there’s so much on my mind and so little time to write. I’d be wasting the time i have to enjoy life here with Kelly and Mrs Sam. : )